Archive for July 2008

The Superhero New Yorkers Really Need

July 18, 2008

Many of my friends back home think that life in the big city is glamorous. I am here to prove to you that it is not. Sure you might hear stories of seeing P Diddy in the Rolling Stone offices or how Woody Harrelson convinced me to go vegan (which lasted a whole six days before I bought a Cornish hen at Whole Foods and ate the whole thing off the bone like a cave woman) but what we are far less likely to tell you about is stories like this.


This morning I woke up still groggy from the night before. Having already sat through The Hulk, Hellboy, and Ironman (the only decent superhero movie), I went to see The Last Mistress, a French movie that made me secretly wish for cheesy romance and openly loathe the entire male species all at once. Accompanying me were two friends and three bottles of wine. One bottle was empty before the previews ended and when we stood up to leave at the end of the movie I think we all were shocked at how difficult walking had become.  So in fear of an impending hangover, the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was throw on some clothes and head down stairs to get some coffee, some carbs, and a large bottle of Advil.


I live on the sixth floor and I stumbled down four flights before fully opening my eyes. On the second floor I spotted what I thought was a small bird in my peripheral vision. I looked over and there, sitting overturned on the steps of my apartment building, was the largest dead cockroach I had ever seen. It was flipped over on its back exposing its shriveled up legs and tentacles which were still jutted out. I kid you not, this mutant creature was as long as my middle finger and a good three inches wide.


 It was then that I noticed that my entire building smelled like bug spray. I couldn’t help but picture my friendly landlord—who brings up all his tenant’s packages and even walks a few of the resident dogs—battling the varmints through the night. Perhaps because it is my personal response to empty an entire can of Raid in our apartment if I see one ant on the floor, I imagined him donning his big rubbery gloves and his professional sprayer and quietly going to war with the creatures while we slept. Sort of like a bug battling superhero.


I couldn’t help but kind of fall in love with my middle aged landlord in my hungover, romance hungry state. And that is just one of the many reasons the average life in New York City is far less glamorous than they want you to believe, and sometimes verging on sad and pathetic. Forget Batman, Superman, or Hellboy.  Let’s see a movie about the super hero New Yorkers will really get excited about.